With wings clipped

[Private; readable by Justin and Jack only]:

I just realized that we are three boys, each with a very lovely girlfriend. Valentine's is a week away.

And we only have one flat.

...So do we draw straws or something? Sign an agreement? I really don't care if I have to go elsewhere as long as Gin and I can come back for the night.

Though... I am the cook, it'd be nice to have the kitchen...

Anyways. We should figure this out. Before someone gets upset.

[/Private]

Things to do today (written down so I don't forget, ha! probably won't help anyway):

- Get a haircut. Nothing drastic, but it's getting long again and it's starting to piss me off.
- Get food. I went grocery shopping two days ago, guys. Where's all of it going?
- Laundry, or I won't have clothes for tomorrow.
- Make food, assuming I'm home in time to do so, and how many people are showing up for dinner. (I'm assuming Gin is, Jack, Ken, you in too? Justin, you're in if you so much as step foot in the flat tonight.)

[Private]:

I feel like a gigantic idiot.

I told Gin about the money, from the Nest. It's something I probably should have told her earlier, but I don't think about it, can't think about it. As it was she asked for a number, I actually had to think, and it brought up all sorts of memories, things I didn't want floating around in my head. And I ruined the night because of it.

She knows I don't mean it. That I can't help when the darkness comes back and threatens to take me, and it's all I can do to concentrate on her and remind myself that she's there, that she's real and she's not going anywhere. I don't think Ginny realizes it yet. That all I need is her. That just by being there she gives me a reason to be here. For her. I wouldn't fight this hard for myself.

And then I told her about the nightmares, about the last words I said to my father. These are things she doesn't need to know, that she shouldn't have to carry. But sometimes I think she wants to know, that I hurt her more by trying to keep it in. I don't know what I'm supposed to do sometimes. If I tell her nothing, she hurts. If I open up, she hurts too. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Never said it'd be easy. I told her that, too. That much, I think she knows. I just fear that someday she's not going to think I'm worth it anymore.

[/Private]

[Private]:

Someone left a book out on the kitchen table, opened, to a highlighted passage. I was stupid enough to read it:

"You have to go down into that deepest, darkest, most roiling, white-hot place - it can't be white-hot and dark at the same time, but I don't care - that paradox, live with it - whatever scared the hell out of you down there - and there's plenty - you have to go down there; down into the deepest part of it, and you can't flinch, can't walk away."

It's a book on writing fiction; Ken must've left it here on accident, when he was here for dinner the other night. And logically I know it wasn't left out for me to find, just a coincidence, but it still burns. That's exactly what the darkness is, white-hot and pitch black at the same time, always beneath the surface, waiting for me to given in to it, to let it take me.

I'm not ready to face it yet. I don't know how to be ready. All I can do is live day to day and hope it fades, even just a little.

But what if it doesn't?

What if it takes something from me I can't get back? What if it takes Jack, or Justin? Or Ginny?

....No. Won't think about it. Can't think about it. It's not going to get me anywhere.

[/Private]

[Filtered; viewable by Zach's friends]

I've been thinking about the restaurant lately. Gin's living here now, which is amazing, but I've still got a lot of time on my hands while she's working with Pomfrey at Hogwarts. Part of me wants to go back to working again, not because I need the money Dad made sure that I don't but because it would be something to do, but then I remember everything I didn't like about it. I don't want to be coming home to Gin at three in the morning after working from open to close, and then be dead to the world for most of the day after. That's not fair to her.

Plus, it wouldn't be the same. I can't replace the Nest, try as I might. I'd be working in a restaurant again, but it wouldn't be my restaurant, and that thought would always sit with me.

Besides, with Jack out with Hermione all the time, and Justin always at Hogwarts, someone's going to have to run the DA. Or at least act like they're running the DA, anyway. I don't suppose we need any more lesson plans about Muggle fighting strategies, do we?

[/Filter]

[Private]:

Gin and I slept together. I didn't think she'd want it this soon, but there she was, setting up dinner and her room and even going so far as to steal my favorite shirt so she could dress up in it. It was... it just was. Like it was meant to be that way. And she didn't turn into a crying mess in my arms, she didn't regret it.

That was my biggest fear, that and hurting her. I didn't want her to think she'd done something wrong, that she'd made a mistake. Paige was like that. It would have killed me to know that it was me who did this to her, to our relationship. Ginny... is everything. I've known that for a while now, but it's different to feel it like I do. In everything she does, she's been trying to help me - she got me a journal, to write out what I feel instead of trying to drink it away (it's a nice thought, probably won't help, but I know what she meant in giving it to me) and she made me a bracelet. So I could keep a piece of her on me, she said. As if I haven't carried her heart with me, wherever I go.

I'm still wearing it now - haven't taken it off, only to shower. It's got our names engraved on it. She's always been better with this sort of thing than I am. I have no idea what I'm going to get her for Christmas, I'm terrible with presents.

Christmas... Gin asked me to spend it with her family. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that, yet. I've never had a big Christmas gathering, even when my dad was still around. To see her family, together, all happy and smiling... it's going to be hard. I know she knows that, but I don't think she knows how bad it could be. How bad I could be. Even if I try to be happy, it's still going to drag me under, I know it.

It doesn't help that I should go to Southampton on Christmas. To see them. Gin's said she'll go with me, but that's not how she should meet my parents. I was so... angry, the last time I was there. I'm still angry. I don't want Gin to see that. And plus, it's Christmas, and if I go to Southampton I have to go see Gram. And she'll ask about Ginny and get all upset that my dad's not there and it's too much, I think. All at once, it seems impossible.

But that's what it takes, right? To do what you think can't be done, you just have to try. At least, that's what I've heard. Can't say I believe it just yet.

[/Private]

Gin's coming over soon, I'm making her dinner.




Yes, Jack, you can have the leftovers.

I really am an idiot.

And no, Jack, I don't need you to agree with that statement.

[Private]:

Ginny caught me drunk, the other night. Not the "I had a few beers with the boys and got in a bar fight" drunk, as I'm usually a pretty happy guy after that, but in the bad way. Like after Hogsmeade bad. I didn't even realize she was in the apartment, let alone my bed, until the next morning.

It felt... horrible. And I don't remember getting home, which is the worst part. If I'm blacking out, it means I had much more than I thought, and I hold my liquor much better than most other people. Ginny still doesn't understand why I did it. It was my father's birthday, and when the memories get too much... I wanted the oblivion. I'd forgotten how good it could feel to not feel. Until I woke up and realized what I'd done.

She'd been waiting for me, I guess, all night at the flat. What kind of guy goes out and just leaves his girl there, alone? Gin and her surprise visits - I'd thought she was working, that she wouldn't see me. Wrong again, Smith. Great job on that one. I thought she'd leave, if she ever saw me gone like this. But I know it's her who got me to bed, who watched over me, even when I didn't deserve it. She's too good to me, and she doesn't listen when I try to explain this to her.

When it's all said and done, she's the one making me whole again, and if she ever left I wouldn't know what I'd do. I don't think I could survive losing her too. But Gin's forgiven me... more than forgiven me, I think. I don't know why, but I'm grateful for it. It also means I'm going to have to curb my drinking, if she's around. If anyone's around. But the problem is that I don't know how else to deal with it, when the memories and the demons and the pain just get so out of control, and there's nothing to silence it like the scotch does. I'll have to be careful.

It'll be worth it, if I still get to come home to her every night.

[/Private]

[Private to Ginny]:

I love you. Thought I should let you know.

[/Private]

( Owl to Ginny )

[Private]:

Ginny said she loved me.

And it's true, I can feel it in the way she kisses me, the way she brushes her hand along my cheek. It's... perfect, or as close as I'll ever have to perfect.

I'll never be good enough for her, but I can try to live up to what she deserves. To be the best person I can be, in spite of my flaws. All I can give her is everything I have, and hope that'll be enough.

It's been too long since I've felt like this. I want it to last, for as long as possible.

[/Private]

[Private]:

Holy hell, I'm dating Ginny Weasley.

And she's the most amazing thing to happen to me in a very, very long time.

She knows about Southampton. About my father. She's seen the picture of my mum I keep in my room. She knows about my smoking (wants me to quit, I can tell, though she's kind enough not to ask), and some of the drinking.

And she's still here. Slept in my bed last night and everything. Everything's going so fast, but I don't care. I'm happy. I didn't know I was capable of being happy, anymore. I woke up this morning and I could see myself in the mirror.

It's a good feeling. Something's going to come along and destroy this, I know it - probably one of her brothers, and that scares me more than I'm ready to admit, right now - but I'm going to ride this out for as long as I can.

For as long as she'll have me.

[/Private]

( Owl to Ginny )

[Private]:

I spent all day yesterday with Ginny Weasley. And there wasn't any name calling, and no jinxes sent my way either. I should mark this day on my calendar.

It was... relaxing. For the first time being sober since I left the flat, it's a miracle. I didn't realize how much I missed being with someone until I ran into her on the street. Random, but somehow it worked.

I took her to lunch, and she bought me a couple books. And there were a few moments when she hugged me, kissed my cheek, let me hold her... I don't want to get my hopes up. I mean, it's Ginny Weasley. Her brothers will murder me and hide my body if they found out I was even thinking about her. I know what I want to happen, what I'd like to happen, but it's not possible. It can't be.

But being around her... she makes the demons go away, almost as good as the alcohol does. For the first time since my father's death, I felt free. Happy. Unburdened. Like I found myself, someone I haven't seen in a long time.

I almost feel good enough to try going to Southampton. Not to my house, but to the town itself. I wonder how I'm going to be able to handle that.

...I'll bring along a few bottles of firewhiskey, just in case. Seeing as asking Ginny, or Justin or Jack, to tag along isn't an option.

[/Private]

[Private]:

It happened again. The fire, in Hogsmeade. Like it follows me wherever I go. Like I can't escape from it.

Mandy went in, to help people. So did Jack. And since Mandy went in, Justin had to go in after her. All of my friends, in the fire, just like my father was.

I haven't figured out if it's a good thing I held my composure, at least while it happened. But now... I know what danger we were in, how close we were to being in there when it all collapsed. All I think of is the heat of the flames, the smell of burning wood, the screams of those trapped inside. And I don't see Hogsmeade, I see a side street in Southampton and I'm running and I never make it there in time -

Can't handle it - I don't want to even try. I came to Hogsmeade to escape what happened in Southampton, to try and find some piece of the life I had before, back at school. All that is gone now. Maybe I'm deluding myself by thinking I ever had peace in the first place.

I need to get out of here - to be somewhere where no one knows me, where this war can't find me.

[/Private]


( Note left on the table for Justin and Jack )

( Note to Justin, spelled to stick to his bedroom door )

[Private]:

I dreamt last night about the fire. About how it must have happened - the Death Eaters would have broken into the restaurant first, we weren't officially open yet, there wouldn't have been any customers.

I saw my father usher the other workers out, it was his building, his liveihood and like a good owner he was going to go down with the ship. The Death Eater - Death Eaters? Even in dreams I can never pick out faces, or how many, just dark figures surrounding him.

Dad stopped carrying his wand when my mother died. He never even defended himself. Is it wrong of me to hope they used the Killing Curse on him, rather than just stun him and let him burn?

But I saw it, as if I was there -
Dad just stood there, telling them to leave his restaurant -
Dark laughter -
And then a flash -

And I woke up. I can still feel the heat of the flames as if it happened moments ago. I need to do something to make this stop happening, because this isn't the first dream I've had. At least when I drink, the dreams subside.

How much of this am I supposed to be able to take?

[/Private]

Note to self: Stop by grocer's and pick up ingredients for tonight. Spaghetti with meat sauce, garlic bread, wine to match. Someone should have a decent meal around here.

[Private, especially warded against Jack Sloper]

Everyone (well, Jack and Justin, at least) seems to think I've been sending myself into some sort of downward spiral since the summer began, and they'd be right. Yeah, I drink more than I probably should. I smoke more than a pack of cigarettes a day now and I was never that bad when I was at school, even during finals.

It's just - everything is so fucked up now. We're not going back to school, the restaurant - my restaurant - is gone, and my father... he's gone too. It's like I've been suddenly kicked out on my own, without guidance, without warning, and for better or worse I've just got to make it through. And if the firewhiskey helps, so be it.

I could tell Justin all of this, I know he'd listen, probably have some good advice too. Jack knows some of it now, but it doesn't make me feel better, not really. How does one put a life back together when all of the pieces are missing? Where do you even start?

[/Private]

I miss Quidditch. My feet feel like they're glued to the ground and I'm afraid that just won't do.

Going for a fly - catch me if you can.